Notes from the North

by Estanislao Albano, Jr.

Seems to me that the pursuit of autonomy in the Cordillera is like a vehicle which only runs when it has fuel and the fuel in this case is government funds. The moment the government allocates money for a drive for autonomy, the vehicle moves. The moment the money runs out, all the talk about autonomy being the ideal setup for the region and its materialization ushering in an era of progress for the locality practically dies down until the next allocation comes along. This gives me grave doubts about the brilliance of the idea and the 100 percent conviction of its adherents about it being the correct system for the region. To my mind, a real brilliant idea would not lack for people who are willing to part with their own money and dedicate their unselfish efforts just to bring it to fruition. Sold to the idea, the availability of outside support to keep the drive going is not a condition for them to keep the campaign going. “If there’s a will, there’s a way” is their motto.

My question now is if Juan Ngalob of the Regional Development Council (RDC)  and Baguio City Congressman Maurice Domogan were private citizens, would they still be as ardent in the campaign for autonomy as now?

I know of a non-government group in the region which has been publicly criticizing the RDC for alleged misuse of the autonomy funds released by Malacanang in 2007 and yet at the next breath expresses the wish that it also be given a share in the said funds so that it could revive its own drive for regional autonomy.

Still on government money, granting that it’s true as alleged that  the Cordillera region is not getting its fair share from national government revenues, had the little money which has been coming in been put to good use all this time? I am asking that because not getting one’s fair share is no excuse to waste precious public resources. Who’s to blame for the misuse of the national government funds finding its way to the Cordillera? Will these leeches go out of fashion in an autonomous setup? If not, of what use will the new sources of funds for the region be? Of what use is changing the system?

This brings us back to the bottomline mentioned by Manong Ben two weeks ago. No matter how you change the system if the people will persist with their old attitudes, it will be for naught.

Just look at the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao (ARMM). The last story I read in the papers about that region is the sentencing by the Sandiganbayan of former regional chief executive Zacaria Candao and some other officials to long jail terms for malversation of millions in public funds. If I am not mistaken, Nur Misuari, the foremost Muslim freedom fighter who also had the chance to be governor of the ARMM, could also not account for hundreds of millions. I have not read of positive stories about the region making substantial strides towards progress giving me grave doubts if the people of the region are now realizing the supposed benefits of the autonomous setup. Autonomy is supposed to change the life of Muslims and Cordillerans for the better and make them catch up with their fellow Filipinos who had come under the Spanish yoke otherwise the framers of the 1987 Constitution would not have thought of it. Basing on the experience of the ARMM so far, it’s about time we evaluate if indeed there’s truth to that belief.

What’s disturbing to note was that was that those who  peopled the bodies which were supposed to usher us to autonomy exhibited tendencies similar to what seems to pervade the bureaucracy of the ARMM . What is the guarantee that when more funds will be at the disposition of the regional leadership courtesy of the dawning of Cordillera autonomy the same will be put to proper use this time? Now if there is no such guarantee could be made, what good will autonomy bring to the people of the region?

As far as I am concerned, for so long as we do not change our reprehensible attitude and ways when it comes to government funds, the  Cordillera could become autonomous or even become an independent country but its lot  will not change as a result. On the other hand, if we give room to moral enlightenment and turn over a new leaf, there is nothing  under the present system which bars us from improving our regional condition.   

by Estanislao Albano, Jr.

I enjoyed reading fellow writer Ben Feken's thoughts on Cordillera autonomy. I felt he has given voice to things within me which up to this time I have not taken the time to ponder on and articulate. After reading it, I texted him saying that I agree with him all the way. He replied that it would be a good idea if I said something about the so here we go.

Right from the start, I was wary about the idea of Cordillera autonomy and I was one of those who breathed sighs of relief when it was turned down twice by the electorate. My foremost objection was that all that talk about the new system correcting the alleged discrimination against Cordillera natives by other Filipinos was misplaced. My idea then and now is that if indeed such a discrimination exists, the cure is not in pursuing  exclusivity but in joining the mainstream and proving oneself to be equal with other Filipinos. In clinging to their culture and opting to live in reservations, the American Indians have condemned themselves into a time warp. By contrast, by refusing to succumb to the odds and not giving up in their fight for equality with the whites, the American blacks now have earned a place in American society. In fact, one of their number now leads that country.

How would the talent search organizers and the television viewers have reacted had the late Marky Cielo asked for a handicap since he was an Igorot?

For me, autonomy is just a telltale sign that we are unequal with the rest of the Filipino nation. It is like a crutch which proclaims to the world that one is lame and could not run in a race with the majority. The right response to discrimination is not to fight for special treatment  but to prove to all and sundry that one could compete with the majority. Asking for special treatment is in itself an admission of the inferiority and oddness that the majority is tagging you with and which offends you no end.

As a half-Ilocano, I am also fearful that in an autonomous set up, the pendulum would swing to the other end with the alleged victim of discrimination becoming the discriminator (if there is such a word). With all this stress on indigenous culture and heritage being made by the people who are fighting for autonomy, what is the guarantee that reverse discrimination will not occur in the new set up? I suspect that this fear is one of the factors which contributed to the defeat of the autonomy in Baguio City during the two plebiscites. Talking about Baguio City, could you imagine a  Cordillera Autonomous Region sans the city?  It would be like a being without the core or heart. I have a gut feel that because of the concerns of Baguio City’s non-indigenous population, that’s exactly what the autonomous region would look like if ever it does materialize. Even if the foremost never say die advocate of autonomy is the city’s three-term congressman.     

Which brings me to my second objection to Cordillera autonomy – the uncertainty of the realization of the advantages of which autonomy advocates talk about no end. I am referring to the mismanagement of the efforts and finances which were supposed to  usher in Cordillera autonomy which Manong Ben described in his column to some disturbing extent. What is the guarantee that such shameless selfishness and wanton disregard of the welfare of the majority of the residents of the Cordillera will not mark the administration of the Cordillera Autonomous Region? What is the guarantee for example that when we have greater say in the usage of our natural resources, the  revenues that will accrue will be used for the good of the people? I am ready to grant that autonomy is a better system than what we have at the moment but where will the people who could be trusted to operate it come from? Short of having angels from heaven come down to run the region with the present crop of politicians we have, it is likely that autonomy will just add a new group of thieves into our bureaucracy and we will become as corruption-ridden as the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao. In the first place, if the political leaders of the city and provinces composing the region have been and are doing their jobs honestly, sincerely and effectively, it is possible that the region would now be at par with other regions negating any necessity for a special set up as a means of getting of the backwardness the proponents of autonomy are talking about.

Relative to personalities in the drive for autonomy, I heard an unverified story that one of the reasons the organic act was not ratified in one of the provinces of the region during the 1997 plebiscite were streamers along the highways proclaiming that the late Fr. Conrado Balweg was for autonomy. It is possible that the story is true. And that should give some groups and individuals now yakking about autonomy whose motives are doubted by the people the hint. If they really want to give autonomy a chance, they should now shut their mouths. Better still, they should execute a turnaround and start campaigning against autonomy as passionately as they have been promoting it. 

One of the things that may set Kalingas apart from other people  is the multa. It is the practice of exacting one’s pound of flesh from incidents where the blood of a Kalinga is drawn (or even if not drawn), a Kalinga is aggrieved. Never mind if the incident is  not intentional or accident for so long as blood has been drawn, the multa must be paid. Multa is also imposed in cases when a man impregnates a Kalinga woman but does not intend to marry her and things like that.

With the failure of the government to  regulate the practice, multa is a dreaded word among the immigrants and the mild Kalinga tribes. The practice drives a wedge between them and the tribes that exact multa on the other hand. It is a well known fact that most multa demands are unreasonable and the process in enforcing it attended by intimidation. 

Recently, I had a chance to hear the thoughts of Bansen Bangibang, one of the few Kalingas who does not mince words when it comes to the bad practices and excesses of his fellow  Kalingas, on the matter. According to Bansen, a member of the Taloktok tribe, among Kalingas, it does not matter who starts something. It has no bearing. You punch me and no blood is shed. I then retaliate and blood is drawn.  I must pay the multa.

He continues: The moment blood is shed, the Kalinga has reason to exact the multa. That’s because the wound must be masonga. In English, songa is the payment of the blood money so that the problem is prevented from getting any worse. Even just a little blood is reason to demand the multa. It all depends on the relative fierceness of the tribe or family of the victim in relation to the tribe or family of the one who caused the injury. If the tribe or family of the latter is easily intimidated, the victim tribe raises the demand sky high just in case the other party will give in. It’s like a bluff. Not all Kalingas kill but then there is no way of determining who is bluffing and who is not so the safe thing to do is to give in.  

The facts on who started the incident will only have a bearing when the person who drew blood belongs to a kawitan or warlike tribe in which case they could enforce their rights but if they belong to the upa or non-warlike tribes, they might as well come across so as not to make things worse.

When I asked what’s so significant about the drawing of blood that the multa must be imposed at all costs, Bansen could not explain. He only said the shedding of blood  is a serious matter among Kalingas.  “Blood is important because it is life but I do not know the actual reason,” Bansen admitted.

According to Bansen, the expression “maysa a tedted, maysa a nuang” is an exaggeration but that the principle is  “basta nagdara, mamulta.” And that’s even if the cause of the bleeding was unintended or accidental.

Going back to the songa, Bansen said that according to the belief of Kalingas, the killing and butchering of an animal the simplest of which is a chicken makes the wound heal easier and will not make it swell. As for the demand in cash, Bansen explained that it is to cover hospital expenses and related losses and also to appease the victim.

Bansen said that ever since he could remember, Kalingas already practiced the multa but that in  recent years, its hold on them has loosened a bit because of the advent of Christianity. When I asked him about church people who impose the multa, Bansen said that they are just pretending to be Christians but are not real Christians because Christians are supposed to be forgiving. He related that there are times during amicable settlement negotiations when he rebuked so-called Christian families for demanding the multa but that the latter would reason that if they do not demand the multa, their stature in the  community would suffer because among Kalingas, the demand is tied up with one’s prestige.  If you do not demand much, then you are apt to be ignored and look down on.

Bansen relates that one time when his second boy was in grade three at the Bulanao South Elementary School, he and an immigrant boy were throwing stones at the fruits of a mango tree. One of the stones thrown by the immigrant boy as it was coming down hit  Bansen’s son injuring him in the forehead. The bleeding was profuse. The knowledge that the injured boy was a Kalinga rattled the teacher of the two boys and even the principal because, according to Bansen, in incidents like this among Kalingas, teachers are dragged in. The teachers were only calmed when he went to the hospital where the boy was taken and informed the immigrant boy to get a chicken for him and the injured boy to butcher and eat together in a house in front of the school the following day. He did not even ask the family of the immigrant boy to pay the hospital bill. According to Bansen, he asked for the chicken  with the intent of  preventing his tribesmates from taking advantage of the situation.

Bansen said that among warlike Kalinga tribes, unfortunate incidents like what happened to his boy is an opportunity to “make their lives better.”  But he quickly adds that there are also Kalingas who have learned to forgive like he did.

The trouble is, they are very rare. 

By Estanislao Albano, Jr.

During a recent conversation with my favorite friend Rev. Luis Aoas, he elaborated on an earlier observation that the concept of forgiveness is missing in the Kalinga culture. Let’s listen to him:

“There are no equivalent in the Kalinga dialect for ‘I forgive you.’ or ‘Please forgive me.’ What we have are the words ‘bay-amon’ or ‘pasensiya’ which are grafted from the Ilocano dialect and culture. By it, we mean you just let the matter go. It is different from forgiveness because when one forgives, he does not record the wrong but when one merely says ‘bay-amon,’ he records although at this time, he does not ask the wrongdoer to make amends. A repetition may not receive the same treatment. In forgiveness, one does not point to the other person that his act is already a repetition. Forgiveness springs from love of fellowmen. I am talking from the viewpoint of Christianity whereby people are equipped with the power to forgive since they were first forgiven. Pasensiya does not come from goodwill.

Another reason I say there is no forgiveness in the Kalinga culture is because in all my three decades of negotiating amicable settlements, I have not seen the offenders and the victims appearing. This makes the act of forgiveness impossible because forgiveness is personal. The person wronged is the one who forgives and the person who did the wrong is the one who asks for forgiveness. The absence of the offender and the victim in amicable settlements is linked up with the principle of Kalinga culture of ‘the sin of one, is the sin of all.’”

At this point,  I interject that since that is the set-up, then why talk about forgiveness? It is out of place. He replies: “Even if the sin of one is the sin of all, there is still need to ask for forgiveness. If you have killed a man, you should feel sorry for what you have done and, in the event you are forgiven, shoulder the expense which will  not then be treated as indemnity. To me, a person controlled by God forgives even if the offender does not ask for forgiveness. The understanding is in Christianity, one who harbors hatred even if he does not act on it, is like a candle which is burning itself out.”

My question how could there be peace in Kalinga when the concept of forgiving is missing, triggers the following exchange:

Rev. Aoas: “Peace is still possible because there is the law to serve as a curb against the commission of evil which is part of human nature.”

Me: “But there is no law in Kalinga.”

Rev. Aoas: “Don’t say that. You are too sweeping. Try to go out on the street now and stone the houses you pass by and the police will apprehend you.”

Me: “I will be apprehended because I am a Bago. If I belonged to a kawitan tribe like yours, I will not be apprehended.”

Rev. Aoas: “There you go again. Kontrabida ka a talaga. There is still hope in Kalinga. Everybody is talking about peace and the effect is the understanding of people is slowly being raised to the level wherein they can be civilized. There are perceptible changes. Gone are the days when the mere shedding of blood will spark wars, wars that would last for years. Now, if there are wars, they are stopped quickly. This is in fairness to what’s happening. May be the changes are not as fast as they should be but there is still something going on which is good.”

When I asked him if it’s possible that a kawitan tribe confesses that its member killed a person and asks for forgiveness for the act, he said that when that happens, it will be a breakthrough whether or not it will be accepted adding that if it happens, the subject kawitan tribe should be willing to surrender the culprit and take the consequences because confession which is just words is nothing. He agreed with me though that habitual murderers are not likely to confess and ask for forgiveness but that it is usual for first time offenders to feel remorse although if they are Kalingas, they may not actually ask for forgiveness from those they harmed.

He concluded that the root of the unforgiving culture is as follows: “Among Kalingas, harm done to a relative is taken as an insult to the honor of the clan or of the tribe and the only way to restore the diminished honor is to revenge.”

I then said that in that case, the word forgiveness will continue to be missing in the Kalinga dialect and culture for three more generations to which he retorted that at least we have started talking about it. According to him, it is like a seed being planted and sprouting in due time.

By Estanislao Albano, Jr.

While on a research mission in Bontoc for the Tabuk City LGU this week, our group stayed in with Manong Ben Feken in his farm at Maligcong. The first night, I finally had the chance to do what I have been meaning to for a long time – extract his opinion on how the Bontoc people were able to leave behind the headhunting or tribal war epoch. I had long wanted to hear him on the topic as it might give us further insights into the Kalinga poser.

Manong Ben started off with an experience he had in 1968 while working for an insurance firm in Benguet which showed that up to that time, the Bontocs were still regarded by their southern neighbors especially those living in the remote areas as sort of savages. While walking home from a village in the town of Tublay, he and his partner, an Iballoy, met some children on the trail. As the two parties were about to pass each other, his Iballoy companion announced to the children that he (Manong Ben) was a Bontoc man and he beheads people. Hearing that, the children dropped their loads, screamed in fear and run to hide on the mountainside. The Iballoy man would later shout to the children that it was just a joke but the children would not come out from their hiding places.

Manong Ben said that he learned from the experience that the reputation of the Bontoc people as ferocious headhunters still lingered among the Benguet people which was shocking because at that time the Bontocs had already abandoned the practice for more than a couple of decades. He related that his maternal grandfather who died in 1972 belonged to the last batch of headhunters of the Bontoc tribe. From his grandfather who was heavily tattooed, he heard gory headhunting tales.

“The turning point for the Bontoc people was the second world war. My speculation is that with the advent of firearms, headhunting lost its thrill. According to my grandfather, headhunting was done with primitive equipment and the challenge came from being able to approach the would-be victim with stealth, cut off his head and run away with it. The people saw no challenge and point in killing people from a distance which was already possible with the proliferation of firearms after the war. Headhunting also became dangerous because the enemy may just pick you up with their guns.  There were other factors which led to the overhauling the culture of tribal violence. One was mass education and another was religion.  Education taught them there are more important things than killing other humans. During the headhunting days in Bontoc, the killers were idolized and revered just like they are now in Kalinga. The priests and catechists were also very critical of old customs particularly violence. They lost the taste of the old ways and tribal wars because of the new things that were being introduced,” Manong Ben said.

Regarding the continuing practice of tribal wars in Kalinga, Manong Ben comments: “The practice will not die in Kalinga because people there still highly regard killers. The tomo (the feast in honor of a tribesman who just killed a man) is abetting the killer and the practice as a whole. The whole community it invited and everybody participates. It is an honor to be associated with the killer.”

Be that as it  may, Manong Ben sees hope for the Bontoc’s northern neighbors. He asserts: “This might be an oversimplification but in the long run, Kalingas will realize they cannot gain anything from the practice because it has something to do with killing others. Sooner or later, the warlike Kalinga tribes will be isolated. I do not think they could sustain it indefinitely. The practice will vanish under the sheer weight of modernity. It’s only a matter of time.”        

When I interjected my disagreement observing that modern things such as technology  which brought the Bontocs to the point of renouncing tribal wars have instead became tools in the hands of some Kalinga tribes in the pursuit of their barbaric obsessions,  Manong Ben said: “You are from Kalinga and I am an outsider but that’s the way I look at it. If you could live 500 years, you will see that it will not last that long. Even in just 100 years it will be eradicated.”

It is sad that 40 years after Manong Ben’s experience with the Tublay children which showed him that the Bontocs were still regarded as barbarians, fellow Cordillerans and many outsiders do not still feel comfortable with and are even terrified by warlike Kalingas for the same reason. Now Manong Ben is saying that the cause of the bad reputation will linger for another century or even five centuries! Actually, what is important is not how other Cordillerans regard us but how many more victims will lose their lives on account of this barbaric passion for blood and rejection of the ways of civilization.

In the meantime, the Bontocs continue to enjoy peace. Manong Ben who is now 61 claims that in his native Maligcong,  he could not recall when a killing took place. Cases of persons trying to terrorize their fellows is unknown. There are no parents there who coddle their wayward children because in doing so, they will risk being isolated. He admits that it is different when a member gets into trouble with a member of another tribe because the tribe will rally behind the member but the difference is rather than take the law in their own hands, the Bontocs will subject matter to government due process 

and respect the decision of the katarungang pambarangay or the court. He says: “We respect the government justice system.”

I know of some people in the Cordillera who only have contempt for the government law system and I believe that that is one of the secrets they are caught in a time warp when it comes to peaceful relations with others and among themselves and will continue to remain so perhaps in another millennium. 

By Estanislao Albano, Jr.

April 23,2006

Note: Relative to “Harrowing experience”  the following essay appeared in the Zigzag Weekly of April 23,2006. Just in case you wonder how come the foregoing column could be written at all despite  the contents of the second column, I personally do not know what exactly happened. All I was told by an in-law was that she had received a phone call on April 25,2006 from a BSU College of Nursing faculty member friend telling her to inform us to make Aglaia report to the school because they have decided to lower the cutoff to 97 as some of those who qualified were not reporting. The caller took care to say  that the development had nothing to do with the adverse publicity. I was and I still am tempted to suspect otherwise though. Whatever the truth, I can say now that the belated decision of the college to accommodate Aglaia as well as my decision to castigate the university publicly have been vindicated by her passing the board exams.      

The Benguet State University (BSU) owes my family especially my younger daughter Aglaia an apology. Due to what now looks like a lack of coordination and meeting of minds between the College of Nursing and the Registrar’s Office, we have been dealt a most expensive and cruel joke. I assume  it will take sometime before we can fully put the episode behind us. 

Desiring to enroll in the highly regarded nursing department of the BSU, Aglaia took the admission test of the university sometime in March. Early this month, we learned that she garnered a percentile of 97.80 which, according to the Registrar’s Office, meant she is a candidate for admission in the College of Nursing. The  person on the other end of the line told me that she should report to the school before April 19 for evaluation. When I asked what she should bring, the person said just her Form 138.

That information from the Registrar’s Office made the family’s hope that Aglaia would qualify soar because she has good grades. In fact, she ranked fourth in a batch of 89. Barring any other means of testing her worthiness to enter the BSU College of Nursing, I told myself that my daughter is practically enrolled in one of the best nursing colleges in the region.

Since Aglaia does not still know her way around in the city, I took a leave from my work for a day and accompanied her to the BSU on April 11. While waiting for the strike of 8 AM, we went through the list of qualifiers for the other courses and found that her name does not appear in the two alternative courses. I figured that must be because she is listed in Nursing. The man at the counter told us to proceed to the Office of the Dean of the College of Nursing where the lady who attended to us looked at the card of Aglaia and then gave us a small checklist of the enrolment requirements which xerox copies she said we should submit before the day ended. Since the Registrar employee I talked to on the phone did not say anything about birth certificates, we did not have it so I texted my elder daughter Pia to email it which she did. When we finally submitted the requirements, the lady said that Aglaia should return on the April 19 when the final list will be made available so that whether she makes it or not, she will be told what to do next.

I must mention that during the visit to BSU, I saw a notice for the second admission test for the College of Nursing scheduled on April 12.

As April 19 approached, our excitement heightened. Little did we know that it was going to be a very sad day for the family. It was good we did not follow the instruction of the lady at the Office of the Dean to report on that day because the relative we sent to look at the list texted that Aglaia’s name was not in it and that the cutoff was 98. We were crushed and mad.

I called the Office of the Dean and a lady who does not want to be identified told me the following among others: the college admits 150 Nursing freshmen a year and those who got 98 up were already 160 but they have to accommodate them all otherwise those who got 98 who will be bumped off will cry foul; that it was not the College of Nursing which set 95 as the cutoff for the college but the Registrar’s Office; that they have been advising the Registrar’s Office to send Nursing hopefuls to the college for prequalification before they take the exams so that when they pass the exam, there will be no need for further evaluation which would simplify things; that just like us, they too are victims of the fiasco. I was unable to follow her answer as to why they still have to conduct another exam when there were already enough passers in the first exams. I heard her clearly though when she said that there are some years when they conduct as many as three entrance exams.

The person at the Registrar’s Office who took my call said that supposedly, the April 12 exams should be the only exams for the College of Nursing and that aspiring nursing students should not have taken the general entrance exams. He admitted it was their office which set the 95 cutoff for Nursing. His tone was apologetic.

In fairness, I do not think that the peddling of false hopes to the examinees who got 95 to 97.99 and their relatives was intentional and attended with malice. But the result was the same: deep disappointment and wasted money and time. The university should determine the persons responsible and sanction them. Stupidity should never be countenanced in a reputable institution of learning like the BSU.

By Estanislao Albano, Jr.

September 19,2010

 (Note: for a background of this essay, read “An Expensive Joke”)

This is about the episode of anguish I went through on account of my younger daughter’s taking the nursing licensure exams last July.

The ordeal was triggered by several texts messages from Aglaia Marie on the first day of so far the toughest test in her life.  In the first text minutes before they entered the examination room, she  informed us that she was so nervous she was near tears. My wife said that that the feeling of Aglaia Marie was but natural when one comes face to face with a difficult test. But me I just couldn’t dismiss it like ordinary jitters. I asked myself why should she be scared when she graduated  not exactly at the bottom of the class from  the second best nursing school in the region? On top of that, she also reviewed in one of the most expensive review centers in Baguio City. Now here she is losing her composure in the face of the board exams. Did I read the text right?

The second which arrived  around  past 11 announced that she just finished the first set but that the bad news was that she had to erase and replace some answers. That sent shivers down my spine because as though I had heard that erasure ruins the whole answer sheet when it’s a computer doing the checking. If that happens to my daughter, then the whole expense for the review goes down the drain as she gets a zero for one-fourth of the total items. I was tempted to call her to ask if they did not tell them in review school that erasing is a nono but told myself it was the wrong time to chide her.  

Aglaia  Marie was not about to run out of scary news. Late in the afternoon, she texted that she just finished the second set and this time no more erasures. However, she said that she was sure of only 10 answers. I was flabbergasted. How could she now pass the exams when she gets only 10 correct answers out of a set of 100 or so items? Even if she got perfect scores in the last two sets the second day of the exams, she will never make it, I tell myself.

What remained of my hopes that she would still be saved by a miracle were all but dashed when the following evening when she got home from the testing center she told Florence on the phone that all her answers were “basta” wrong. When Florence asked her where all the things she learned in school went, she replied that she did not know. As though that was not enough, she informed that when her classmates invited her to eat someplace to celebrate the completion of the exams, she declined because she felt so stressed.  That brought back to my mind what kept me from being in the full spirit of the occasion during the graduation rites on April 28. As I looked at the nursing graduates, I told myself that very soon, they will go separate ways: some will pass the board and proceed to pursue their dreams while the dumb or unlucky members of the class will have to nurse their wounds and try again. I was praying then that my child will not be among the latter but with all what she has been telling us on the cellphone before, during and after the exams, it appears that God did not hear my petitions on graduation day. She herself seems to know that she did not pass the exams, I was telling myself.  

Some days later, I cheered up a little bit when she said that she is thinking of reviewing for the International English Language Testing System (IELTS). That seemed to indicate that she presumed to have passed the board.  Without meaning to hurt her, I said that she would have no practical use of the qualification unless she first passes the board. What I did not tell her was that I was afraid she would not pass two exams in a row because it would be more difficult to bounce back from a double whammy. I was relieved she did not insist.

I was happy that at the end of July, Aglaia  Marie came home.  I wanted her to be home when the results are released so that if she does not make it – by that time  I had already almost succeeded in inuring myself to the idea that she failed – we will be around to comfort and assist her. I was already ready with my gesture and dialogue. Once the devastating information reaches us, I will touch her hand or hug her then gently say that she will review for the next exams. Then silence. No word about her act of erasing the answers or where what she learned in school and review center went. That could wait when she fails in her third try. In the meantime, I was determined to be a good father and be a soothing presence in the nadir of the young life of my daughter.

 I never mentioned the examinations in the first three weeks of August except to ask when the results will likely be released to which she replied that it could be in the end of August or in early September. As the time drew nearer, my anxiety and anguish were mixed with some excitement and a little hope that contrary to all my fears and Aglaia Marie’s own, she will make it.

 With trepidation, I watched Aglaia Marie display her framed graduation picture in the living room beside that of her sister Pia Ursula. Then she had her other graduation photos printed and fixed in an album which she left underneath the living room table. I interpreted her act to mean that she was hopeful she passed the  board but at the same time, I was also asking myself how she would react to the graduation photos when the calamity takes place. Would she still be able to bear looking at them? As for myself, in courses with board exams like nursing, graduations photos sans proof of  acceptance by the profession only serve to remind one of one’s failure to make the grade. You do not display them. You keep them out of sight. 

 Thus I will always cherish the scene around 4 PM of August 27 when I went home to send my stories for the week as there was no Internet signal at the office. As I was removing my shoes outside the door, Aglaia Marie opened the door and told me “Pa, pimmasaak.” I understood it right away but still asked how she found out. She then led me to the computer and scrolled the list to her name. I thought I never would hear her say those two words and never would see her name in that list – this year anyway.

To end this tale, I want to express my thanks to the Benguet State University  specifically the College of Nursing for having adequately prepared my daughter for the toughest test of her life so far. All but two of Batch 2010 made it in their first try.